often humans transform into rage our primary feelings of worry, fatigue, guilt, disappointment, rejection, injustice, shock, uncertainty or confusion. It rarely occurs primarily anger. This is often the feeling that follows another. It is essential to understand that behind the anger of a child (which usually is associated with negative behavior), there is always another feeling we have not always seen.
The same applies, for example, jealousy, which often hide feelings of being disadvantaged, being less than the other. ACTION
---------------- Anger, rage, jealousy ------------------ primary feeling
The expression of Anger can have different degrees. One of them, the maximum degree, is the tantrum. Much has been written about this issue, and each professional has a particular focus on how to act now.
For me, one thing is clear: a tantrum should never be a battle of the two has to win at all costs.
Although temper tantrums usually come motivated by facts that can be up to incongruent (the famous tantrums cookie or yogurt), parents have to be very clear that a tantrum is an expression of extreme frustration. What our child's tantrum is saying is:
"I lost all control over my emotions and my self, negative feelings have taken over me and I can not handle"
If you are currently punish our son, of whatever form (sent to his room, striking a blow, threatening to take away a privilege) are generating so many new negative feelings, which hardly will make a positive lesson for him.
Example: Mary is in full tantrum. Is completely overwhelmed by a situation that can not handle (being tired and hungry, but their own weariness keeps you from deciding what to eat. On the one hand wants to be more and decide for itself, but on the other, is not able to do . This results in it some very intense feelings of frustration, coupled with the tiredness, the overflow. At the very moment you feel overwhelmed thus, received a strong scolding, accompanied by insults, complaints and a "go to your room."
So immediately, it will generate a series of new feelings in addition to those it already had:
- feels hurt by the scolding.
- Frustrated by not being understood.
- resentment at the lack of help from their parents.
- Unable to return the aggression he has received.
- Afraid to receive more punishment.
Result: more negative feelings than before.
punishment may have stopped his tantrum, but he has done out of fear. The feelings generated that punishment, remain within the child. Maybe now they can not speak, but they will later, in different ways (or same).
For this reason, in a tantrum, the punishment is in the shape you have, is an unacceptable degree. Effective in the short term perhaps but totally ineffective as an educational measure.
The most useful way to handle tantrums is either to include in its way:
understanding of the deep feelings of the child.
accompaniment, either staying at his side, either to be available.
The reception, when the child has been able to overcome and come to our arms for comfort.
Information from parents, the limits will gradually internalize our son to express those feelings
a) with certain people: those who are able to empathically understand what is happening.
b) at certain times:
c) in certain places: the privacy of the family or those close.
And ...
- Remember our changes: perhaps we are no longer remember those two years, from that moment that we stop being babies to being children, but surely we can all remember when we stopped being girls / you to be little women (or little people), or the time we to be men and women to become men and women-parent mothers. Something was back then, something lost in the transformation but it all made us better. Who does not remember that feeling of endless nostalgia for what will not? Who has not felt alone and lost, overwhelmed to try new experiences? "Excited and confused by premiering aspects of oneself (self university worker ego, the ego boyfriend / girlfriend)? Who has not wept bitterly for what one day was and then held what is?
If we consider these feelings can be closer to the hearts of our children.
- Contain your emotions at this stage the limits are essential. But not to be confused with limited boundaries. Boundaries provide security and allow us to grow with a frame of reference, while the constraints generate low self-esteem and lack of self confidence. The secret is to encourage and enable as much as possible independence, decision making and expressing their emotions ... while he is shown to our son (gently but firmly) Where are the emotional tone and behavior that will allow grow better and in harmony with itself and its environment (ie, try to show how affective behaviors and maneuvers will be most useful for developing life and reach to be happy). This task is perhaps the most difficult part of this stage, for consistency, consensus and peace partner and conviction in what you do are essential for the child to internalize the message well.
- Putting words to feelings and moments of crisis: storytelling, to put ourselves as an example (when I was little like you ..) or talk directly and openly about what we think is happening.
- Strengthen the union of the couple: The crisis of the children usually are also the parents, so it is possible that a couple's crisis also stems from these years. The different points of view regarding the placing of limits Personal tools different from each partner to deal with tantrums and different moods of the children, etc, are usually the cause of conflicts that either talk and resolve, or "stay there" preventing our children indirectly perceive the climate of harmony that need to mature at this time.
- Be certain that you will overcome. Rely on the ability of our children to overcome obstacles (instead of staying stuck in their suffering) and let them know is an engine for self-esteem. Violeta
Alcocer.
Illustration: Patricia Metola.
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