often receive emails asking for advice. It is very common for moms and dads I write, describing a situation such as "my baby has started to go to daycare / school, we have to work so I just see him, we come home late and the child is in the care of others throughout the day. The problem is that when we're together is very grumpy, we stick to ourselves and to other children, you take terrible temper tantrums and, ultimately, they misbehave and do not know what to do. "
As each case is different and every family is different, it is difficult and risky to give advice with only a brief as information lines, but I'd like to share a thought that is repeated to myself every time someone tells me that their child misbehaves.
Often, to understand what happens to the child must accept that parents sometimes do not do things right.
For example, families with two members working outside the home full time and they have no choice but to leave the kids in the care of others, are painfully aware that their children are much less time than children need.
They are aware of your circumstances and your reasons well known, suffer from not being able to reach more but "consciousness" know that they do everything they can.
And among us adults, we understand well the difficulties that exist today to reach all, we lavish words of encouragement and empathy when these situations occur. "Poor, operating, many hours away from home, I know how you feel, you understand, but obviously you can not do anything else."
Behind this reality there is always a child who knows nothing about justification: for small, miss them and need them, are the parents who "are not behaving well." The child ignores the complex social and economic reasons that drive their parents to "not" so, in their eyes, Mom and Dad are certainly not shining by their presence. Unmet emotional needs generated in the small a range of negative feelings difficult to digest that, inevitably, will raze and result in behaviors just as dark, without adequate guidance and companionship, the child is unable to manage adaptively. And then paste. Or biting. Or crying and kicking. And he misbehaves.
But nobody says, "poor, what task, so many hours without Mom and Dad, I know how you feel, you understand, it seems clear that you know your discomfort show otherwise."
When one, however big or small, "Misbehaving" with those they want, usually because they can not or do not know anything else at that time. We take our children misbehave but we have our arguments: we can not do anything!
And our children, sometimes also misbehave with us and, of course, also have their reasons: "This is all I can do given the circumstances! Not know how to give best output to my discomfort."
It's a bit unfair to expect that our failure as parents are tolerated and understood by our children more of what we tolerate and understand their own, do not you think?. Or are they perhaps being away from that one you need for twelve hours a day is less serious than hitting a kick to a door? Both behaviors
frustrated, annoyed, outraged, hurt and embarrassed the other. And in both cases, which makes them feel they can not do anything at that time.
Maybe after seeing things like this, we ask ourselves whether we are "doing everything we can." Sometimes you have to work a little more, to teach our children that the phrase "is that I do everything I can" can be very frustrating for we are dealing with and that "you can always do a little more."
Or maybe, if after a genuine reassessment of the situation we conclude that indeed we can not do more ", we encourage to change the address to our children (" You are bad ") and admit to them than us" we are not behaving well. "
For small can be very reassuring to hear that it is not the only thing that's going wrong and for us it is an opportunity to take charge of the situation (all) and go through together as parents and children who are, or so good ... not bad. Violeta
Alcocer.
Image: Beatriz Iglesias
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