limits (those of both spoken and nobody knows what they are) are nothing more than common place where my needs with those of another, from space which breaks a healthy balance, the framework within which contain our healthy relationships with ourselves, with others and with the environment around us.
is, the boundaries do not always have to do with the strength, the authority or ability to say "no": they have to do with the ability to combine our needs with those of our children in a harmonious way.
On the other hand, expectations are what we expect from our children and what we expect of ourselves as parents and family. Boundaries and expectations
two concepts are closely linked, because our expectations are the framework of our limits, defined.
needs and relationships are unique for each person and each family. For this reason, the so-called "limits" should be
also unique to each family (depend on the values \u200b\u200bof each family, their needs, their culture, their internal organization, its present and future projects and personal expectations of each parent for the children) and we can not blithely take the family next door (or the psychologist or the doctor on duty) because then we'll be living the life of another.
When our children want, they do often excessively and without limits. The desire is pure and the distance between the child's wishes and the reality is usually large (out naked into the street in winter, getting shoes in the tub, open all the bags of potatoes from a store, eat a whole pot of clay or drink wine from the cup of dad).
The tendency of parents, guided by the desire to mark the child where the limit is the desire to deny absolutely and in full ("no, you do not want that" or "no, that can not be" .) With this denial mark a boundary, but it's so overwhelming
often as we are arriving a few nuances that desire itself could (and should) be considered.
is important to consider what role does not in the life of a child.
Personally I'm quite contrary to the theories that we proponen el “no” como panacea educativa (por lo general son teorías que nos invitan a considerar que la frustración activa , es decir negarle deseos al niño deliberadamente, es necesaria e invita al crecimiento porque eso es lo que el crío se va a encontrar en la vida).
Yo lo veo de otra manera. Creo que, en realidad, lo que el niño necesita es conocer cómo está escrito el mapa de la realidad : de su realidad concreta y de la realidad del contexto social en el que vive y se desarrolla.
Hablo de mapa porque me parece una buena metáfora. En ese mapa hay zonas que limitan con otras, hay fronteras. Hay obstáculos geológicos insalvables y otros that can be saved only with assistance. There are different views, depending on the area in which one is installed and the child is fundamental know that map these coordinates to be able to move safely around the world. The map of reality also includes the relationships between people. Thus, the map of the child's reality, which we have to show and he has to be incorporated as it grows, is the map of the relationships you have with your ardedor and physical context in which they develop these relationships. This means that the child also needs to know how far to the other and how far they can reach others with him. As
I've said many times, respect the family has to be respect for all : for the children of course, but also for parents. And if the balance is broken and the balance is tilted too much in one way or another we will be doing our job very badly.
My view of the matter is complex and sophisticated perhaps, because I intend that our goal as parents is that our children know the limits (ie, known to the map by heart but without leaving the site) but that, Ultimately, our son is able to detect by itself where the boundaries in life, to be able to manage their relationships with others in each case by finding out how far, be able to stop when you have too much of something that is "self-limiting" when needed. Which is autonomous, you have discretion. They ignore what they say you have to do "because if", but to think for himself ... and guesses.
For this to take place, it is essential to a desire for our son, instead of closing the issue with a "no" and nothing else, we are able to say "yes, but so far."
The "no" is fine when there is a plug behind electrocuted or embankment. Also when it is behind a blow to a brother or anything else that would undermine what we have respect or considered as a fundamental part of our coexistence or proper conduct of life.
But not much sense in the rest of the time.
For the growing child with "not" learn to see life with the empty glass (of desire). Know well the frustration but will not know to detect the nuances or the environment or in situations, for all its advances were censored before. Do not know the map of reality in advance and is unable to undertake itself the task of meeting. He is afraid of something new, because he learned that his desire to know was illegal. It just goes as directed. Will come in handy in any case, have grown in frustration, because they lack the staff to handle
tools properly in their personal relationships with the environment throughout their life will have to deal with a lot.
The child who grows up with the "if, but only up to here" learn to see life with the glass half full (of desire), learns that almost anything can be attempted, that their wishes can be made but for that to happen must accept and assume certain coordinates, certain rules, regulations, which prevail in every circumstance of his life. Know what is frustration, of course, but not at the expense of total frustration but at the cost of learning the essentials of life: having to give up something to get something, having to work, waiting, delay, and to waive or modify the objectives to find satisfaction.
formula to rethink the limits is straightforward. Before returning to deny something, it will be worth pausing to listen to what our child wants, and for a moment, understand, idenficarnos with that desire, the child who we were. Understand it do not mean a whole: means to accommodate their desire in our mind and identify with the reality of it ("If I were a toddler apetecería me a lot before jumping in the pool with a sandwich in hand.")
Only from this postura podremos, en algunos casos, rescatar algún aspecto de ese deseo que sí puede ser realizado y se lo podremos mostrar así a nuestro hijo.
No se trata de que nosotros seamos los jueces que dan el visto bueno o el visto malo a un deseo (si lo entendemos así, es fácil caer en conceder demasiado o en negar demasiado) : se trata de que nosotros seamos los que le vayamos mostrando a nuestro hijo la manera de ir ajustando sus deseos a las posibilidades que le ofrece la realidad. El mensaje para el niño es: desear es bueno y lícito, pero quizá tengas que modificarlo un poco para que sea realizable o renunciar a él para poder hacerlo más adelante.. pocas veces en la vida podemos do "exactly" what we want, but that does not mean we can not make adjustments to just enjoy it. Violeta
Alcocer.
Image: Oscar Villan
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