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anger, rage and tantrum. Nothing like sucking


often humans transform into rage our primary feelings of worry, fatigue, guilt, disappointment, rejection, injustice, shock, uncertainty or confusion. It rarely occurs primarily anger. This is often the feeling that follows another. It is essential to understand that behind the anger of a child (which usually is associated with negative behavior), there is always another feeling we have not always seen.
The same applies, for example, jealousy, which often hide feelings of being disadvantaged, being less than the other. ACTION

---------------- Anger, rage, jealousy ------------------ primary feeling

The expression of Anger can have different degrees. One of them, the maximum degree, is the tantrum. Much has been written about this issue, and each professional has a particular focus on how to act now.
For me, one thing is clear: a tantrum should never be a battle of the two has to win at all costs.
Although temper tantrums usually come motivated by facts that can be up to incongruent (the famous tantrums cookie or yogurt), parents have to be very clear that a tantrum is an expression of extreme frustration. What our child's tantrum is saying is:
"I lost all control over my emotions and my self, negative feelings have taken over me and I can not handle"


If you are currently punish our son, of whatever form (sent to his room, striking a blow, threatening to take away a privilege) are generating so many new negative feelings, which hardly will make a positive lesson for him.

Example: Mary is in full tantrum. Is completely overwhelmed by a situation that can not handle (being tired and hungry, but their own weariness keeps you from deciding what to eat. On the one hand wants to be more and decide for itself, but on the other, is not able to do . This results in it some very intense feelings of frustration, coupled with the tiredness, the overflow. At the very moment you feel overwhelmed thus, received a strong scolding, accompanied by insults, complaints and a "go to your room."
So immediately, it will generate a series of new feelings in addition to those it already had:

- feels hurt by the scolding.
- Frustrated by not being understood.
- resentment at the lack of help from their parents.
- Unable to return the aggression he has received.
- Afraid to receive more punishment.

Result: more negative feelings than before.

punishment may have stopped his tantrum, but he has done out of fear. The feelings generated that punishment, remain within the child. Maybe now they can not speak, but they will later, in different ways (or same).

For this reason, in a tantrum, the punishment is in the shape you have, is an unacceptable degree. Effective in the short term perhaps but totally ineffective as an educational measure.

The most useful way to handle tantrums is either to include in its way:

understanding of the deep feelings of the child.

accompaniment, either staying at his side, either to be available.

The reception, when the child has been able to overcome and come to our arms for comfort.

Information from parents, the limits will gradually internalize our son to express those feelings
a) with certain people: those who are able to empathically understand what is happening.
b) at certain times:
c) in certain places: the privacy of the family or those close.

And ...
- Remember our changes: perhaps we are no longer remember those two years, from that moment that we stop being babies to being children, but surely we can all remember when we stopped being girls / you to be little women (or little people), or the time we to be men and women to become men and women-parent mothers. Something was back then, something lost in the transformation but it all made us better. Who does not remember that feeling of endless nostalgia for what will not? Who has not felt alone and lost, overwhelmed to try new experiences? "Excited and confused by premiering aspects of oneself (self university worker ego, the ego boyfriend / girlfriend)? Who has not wept bitterly for what one day was and then held what is?
If we consider these feelings can be closer to the hearts of our children.

- Contain your emotions at this stage the limits are essential. But not to be confused with limited boundaries. Boundaries provide security and allow us to grow with a frame of reference, while the constraints generate low self-esteem and lack of self confidence. The secret is to encourage and enable as much as possible independence, decision making and expressing their emotions ... while he is shown to our son (gently but firmly) Where are the emotional tone and behavior that will allow grow better and in harmony with itself and its environment (ie, try to show how affective behaviors and maneuvers will be most useful for developing life and reach to be happy). This task is perhaps the most difficult part of this stage, for consistency, consensus and peace partner and conviction in what you do are essential for the child to internalize the message well.

- Putting words to feelings and moments of crisis: storytelling, to put ourselves as an example (when I was little like you ..) or talk directly and openly about what we think is happening.

- Strengthen the union of the couple: The crisis of the children usually are also the parents, so it is possible that a couple's crisis also stems from these years. The different points of view regarding the placing of limits Personal tools different from each partner to deal with tantrums and different moods of the children, etc, are usually the cause of conflicts that either talk and resolve, or "stay there" preventing our children indirectly perceive the climate of harmony that need to mature at this time.

- Be certain that you will overcome. Rely on the ability of our children to overcome obstacles (instead of staying stuck in their suffering) and let them know is an engine for self-esteem. Violeta

Alcocer.
Illustration: Patricia Metola.

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The initiative Asociaciación Parenting the Heart, which had joined the Party is our, Milky Way, Breastfeeding and Mamilactancia Asturias, has resulted in this wonderful announcement of promoting breastfeeding, performed by the production altruistic Ovideo:



heartfelt thanks for the effort and enthusiasm with which it has evolved during this announcement.
And congratulations to the happy and chubby babies who made it happen! Violeta

Alcocer.

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More than jealousy: the family increased. How


finally arrived home! After nine months of uncertainty, Daniel can know the long awaited "baby." The baby is named Charlie, a name that Daniel likes a lot and also came into the world with a Teletubbie underarm as complimentary gift for his older brother. The kinds of promises but ... after the initial curiosity, the infant ceases to be an adorable novelty to become a source of the most contradictory feelings for the poor Daniel. The baby likes but at the same time I would like everything back the way they were. Daniel
feels weird, but does not quite know how to explain what happens. Every time he cries or gets angry, even embraces the brother too strong (but without malice, eh?) Or throws the ball to play (and surprisingly the little guy not only takes it but it gives you in the head and begins to mourn out loud ..) adults talk to each other: "Daniel is jealous."
sometimes get angry with him and others .. others give much love and say that it will pass.

A rainbow of feelings
The truth is that when it takes place the second son, again, a real life transformation of all family members. Besides the famous jealousy, many are the feelings and internal contradictions that have to deal with the small two-year, the overnight, goes from being "the one, the first and most important" to be "more than two" of them all, some are wonderful and others ... others not so.
Almost from the start, although sometimes hard for us to see, make their appearance the love and tenderness for the newcomer. That little boy who reminds him so much to someone and that speaks of a life he lived as a powerful generator of love and, why deny it, of boundless curiosity, and all things that surround a newborn are exciting and worthy of being watched and learned, the breastfeeding (which sometimes will be shared with the greater, if they have not been weaned), diapers, sounds, and the unknowns that surround her little life (But how much sleep? why are you crying for everything? "has no teeth? not one?).
also come new feelings, and pride (Do you see how "my" little brother of interest?) Who lives with jealousy at times (! Hum, hum, but what is this puny resultón!).
Very often it turns out that the brother is not exactly what he expected and everything he had told it to be a fiasco. And it is disappointing to have a bright expectations (play with me, I'll show you my toys, sleep together) and thus become ... a tower of dirty diapers and a little one sleepy mom hooked. The guilt comes when those expectations are among the parents to the older brother (when they expect to dispose in pampering with a baby or assist in all) and he feels he is not doing what the citizens expect of it.
And why not ... begin to parade before our eyes angry feelings such as rejection and rage: Someone might return this baby to the site where it came from? One more question ... and to the strong negative mother, sadness also be seen, and things at home are not like before, mom and dad are much more tired and are not enough to care for the time (and guess who will have to wait?) OK, many things are better now but ... our ruler sometimes feels as frog ..!


Actually, what this jumble of feelings is that the eldest son is realizing that his life has changed is doing a duel.
In fact, any situation of change involves a mourning for what we have left behind. When you increase the family, all big and small, have to relocate in the new situation and assume (not without pain) that some things will never be as before. This is a reality and through is needed to access a new family dynamics. So, sadness, jealousy, powerlessness or guilt are only parts of the road we are traveling together, there really is no need to spend our energy to avoid or change these feelings, our energy must be put on driving the best possible way the crisis so we can all get through and grow through it.

Do you recognize these reactions? Here are the steps toward acceptance of change:

● Disbelief, denial, "Charlie? Who is Charlie? Ah, you refer to that ... nor had I realized it was there, hey .. "Sometimes the biggest act as if the baby does not exist, as if the birth does not go with him. Even before birth, the elders still with his life like the baby and everything that has to do with it was invisible. It is a way of denying reality and resist change. ●

Regression: Reorder tit wetting up when controlled, will be on top of mom more than ever ... the child returns to earlier stages when you feel your universe and emotional security threat. The regressions are normal and not have to force your child know that he is older. Back to insurance is the only recourse is to take the time being the force that will need to cope with change.

● Anger: Emotions overflow and leave out in the form of tantrums and moodiness. Our little is sullen and negative, even aggressive and somewhat alarming fantasies ("Mom, can we pull to fire Charlie? Solo is to see how it burns .." "If you get into the washer learn to swim is not it?" .) Children, for their difficulty in controlling emotions, often left feeling invaded by this very often. Now, when our son reaches the hands, it is important to keep in mind: all feelings are acceptable, what is not acceptable is its expression in the form of aggression. Thus, we can and must talk to our child and accept her feelings (even hate), but making it clear where the expression limit (the limit is usually in the face of another). ●

Culpa "! Someone must be guilty of that I feel so bad! "Thought the little ... and of course, the baby has every chance of being the lucky owner of the title of" villain "and bring upon themselves all" was the "house.
However, it is not strange to be dad or mom (the latter more likely) who are held accountable before or after the Court of the dethroned prince. ●

Desolation: This is the stage of true sadness. Our son feels helpless, he realizes that despite his attempts, the little brother is not going to lead to another house or going to raise my grandmother. The situation is irreversible and something has definitely changed his life ... and on the road where they have been an only child and opportunity to be the "small" house. At this point you have to tolerate the sadness, talk about it ("things are not like when you were you just right?") And give all our support and affection. We are almost at the end. ●

ID: It's when things, despite having a dark side also began to shine and show his softer side. It's been a while and it shows that the greatest starts to be comfortable in his new role, come on, who has taken a taste to it to have certain privileges as well, until he has grown fond of the little guy (and after that bump on the head that stuck trying to stand up like a champ until he felt a certain pride in family and recalled the times he also gave his forehead on the floor ..).

● Acceptance: After identification (this brother is like me) reaches discrimination (but not me, I'm one and only!) Which allows the child definitely find its new place in the family and feel, at last , at ease with himself and others. Conflicts will not to be there, but from now on, will be pulled by the hair with more love and defend one another against all others.

These stages often occur in succession and others will be alternating with each other. If any of them persist for a long time (months) or is manifested in an exaggerated way, we must seek the help of a psychologist to guide us on how best to help our son.

3 - How we can help. Ways to promote good relations between brothers (and families):

☻ Building partnerships between members of the family when mom has to attend to the baby during his first months at top, dad and older brother can use to make all those plans were pending and spend more time together. ☻

Promoting a family environment of communication and respect. ☻

protect comparisons ("Look, the baby is quietly to see if you do the same") that undermine self-esteem and create a climate of competition among them. Avoid ☻

injustices that come from others (family or friends), not allowing it to get a hierarchy among siblings (the highest total over the little gifts because not aware, or conversely, the smaller this because it is the little one ..). Fleeing ☻

labels and polarization between them (good-bad, lazy, studious, sociable, shy, etc. ..)

☻ Try to be fair and unbiased in our decisions on them and not feel unfairly treated relative to each other. ☻

Open channels of communication: listening and tolerating as we show their feelings about their siblings. Teach them to express themselves and be respected by the other without violence.

☻ Make them feel proud of their place in the family: Older children may have different skills that children can possibly do things that children do not (may have more responsibility). Kids can enjoy certain privileges to be smaller, more .. The important thing is to adjust the rights and family obligations to the age and character of our children. ☻
Favors
spaces and interests, personal preferences, the difference. Being brothers does not mean having to do everything together, we all need our own fields and interests. ☻

Spending time exclusively with each of them. Violeta

Alcocer for Parenting Today (copyright)
Illustration: Carolina Bensler