More than jealousy: the family increased. How 
finally arrived home! After nine months of uncertainty, Daniel can know the long awaited "baby." The baby is named Charlie, a name that Daniel likes a lot and also came into the world with a Teletubbie underarm as complimentary gift for his older brother. The kinds of promises but ... after the initial curiosity, the infant ceases to be an adorable novelty to become a source of the most contradictory feelings for the poor Daniel. The baby likes but at the same time I would like everything back the way they were. Daniel
feels weird, but does not quite know how to explain what happens. Every time he cries or gets angry, even embraces the brother too strong (but without malice, eh?) Or throws the ball to play (and surprisingly the little guy not only takes it but it gives you in the head and begins to mourn out loud ..) adults talk to each other: "Daniel is jealous."
sometimes get angry with him and others .. others give much love and say that it will pass.
A rainbow of feelings
The truth is that when it takes place the second son, again, a real life transformation of all family members. Besides the famous jealousy, many are the feelings and internal contradictions that have to deal with the small two-year, the overnight, goes from being "the one, the first and most important" to be "more than two" of them all, some are wonderful and others ... others not so.
Almost from the start, although sometimes hard for us to see, make their appearance the love and tenderness for the newcomer. That little boy who reminds him so much to someone and that speaks of a life he lived as a powerful generator of love and, why deny it, of boundless curiosity, and all things that surround a newborn are exciting and worthy of being watched and learned, the breastfeeding (which sometimes will be shared with the greater, if they have not been weaned), diapers, sounds, and the unknowns that surround her little life (But how much sleep? why are you crying for everything? "has no teeth? not one?).
also come new feelings, and pride (Do you see how "my" little brother of interest?) Who lives with jealousy at times (! Hum, hum, but what is this puny resultón!).
Very often it turns out that the brother is not exactly what he expected and everything he had told it to be a fiasco. And it is disappointing to have a bright expectations (play with me, I'll show you my toys, sleep together) and thus become ... a tower of dirty diapers and a little one sleepy mom hooked. The guilt comes when those expectations are among the parents to the older brother (when they expect to dispose in pampering with a baby or assist in all) and he feels he is not doing what the citizens expect of it.
And why not ... begin to parade before our eyes angry feelings such as rejection and rage: Someone might return this baby to the site where it came from? One more question ... and to the strong negative mother, sadness also be seen, and things at home are not like before, mom and dad are much more tired and are not enough to care for the time (and guess who will have to wait?) OK, many things are better now but ... our ruler sometimes feels as frog ..!
Actually, what this jumble of feelings is that the eldest son is realizing that his life has changed is doing a duel.
In fact, any situation of change involves a mourning for what we have left behind. When you increase the family, all big and small, have to relocate in the new situation and assume (not without pain) that some things will never be as before. This is a reality and through is needed to access a new family dynamics. So, sadness, jealousy, powerlessness or guilt are only parts of the road we are traveling together, there really is no need to spend our energy to avoid or change these feelings, our energy must be put on driving the best possible way the crisis so we can all get through and grow through it.
Do you recognize these reactions? Here are the steps toward acceptance of change:
● Disbelief, denial, "Charlie? Who is Charlie? Ah, you refer to that ... nor had I realized it was there, hey .. "Sometimes the biggest act as if the baby does not exist, as if the birth does not go with him. Even before birth, the elders still with his life like the baby and everything that has to do with it was invisible. It is a way of denying reality and resist change. ●
Regression: Reorder tit wetting up when controlled, will be on top of mom more than ever ... the child returns to earlier stages when you feel your universe and emotional security threat. The regressions are normal and not have to force your child know that he is older. Back to insurance is the only recourse is to take the time being the force that will need to cope with change.
● Anger: Emotions overflow and leave out in the form of tantrums and moodiness. Our little is sullen and negative, even aggressive and somewhat alarming fantasies ("Mom, can we pull to fire Charlie? Solo is to see how it burns .." "If you get into the washer learn to swim is not it?" .) Children, for their difficulty in controlling emotions, often left feeling invaded by this very often. Now, when our son reaches the hands, it is important to keep in mind: all feelings are acceptable, what is not acceptable is its expression in the form of aggression. Thus, we can and must talk to our child and accept her feelings (even hate), but making it clear where the expression limit (the limit is usually in the face of another). ●
Culpa "! Someone must be guilty of that I feel so bad! "Thought the little ... and of course, the baby has every chance of being the lucky owner of the title of" villain "and bring upon themselves all" was the "house.
However, it is not strange to be dad or mom (the latter more likely) who are held accountable before or after the Court of the dethroned prince. ●
Desolation: This is the stage of true sadness. Our son feels helpless, he realizes that despite his attempts, the little brother is not going to lead to another house or going to raise my grandmother. The situation is irreversible and something has definitely changed his life ... and on the road where they have been an only child and opportunity to be the "small" house. At this point you have to tolerate the sadness, talk about it ("things are not like when you were you just right?") And give all our support and affection. We are almost at the end. ●
ID: It's when things, despite having a dark side also began to shine and show his softer side. It's been a while and it shows that the greatest starts to be comfortable in his new role, come on, who has taken a taste to it to have certain privileges as well, until he has grown fond of the little guy (and after that bump on the head that stuck trying to stand up like a champ until he felt a certain pride in family and recalled the times he also gave his forehead on the floor ..).
● Acceptance: After identification (this brother is like me) reaches discrimination (but not me, I'm one and only!) Which allows the child definitely find its new place in the family and feel, at last , at ease with himself and others. Conflicts will not to be there, but from now on, will be pulled by the hair with more love and defend one another against all others.
These stages often occur in succession and others will be alternating with each other. If any of them persist for a long time (months) or is manifested in an exaggerated way, we must seek the help of a psychologist to guide us on how best to help our son.
3 - How we can help. Ways to promote good relations between brothers (and families):
☻ Building partnerships between members of the family when mom has to attend to the baby during his first months at top, dad and older brother can use to make all those plans were pending and spend more time together. ☻
Promoting a family environment of communication and respect. ☻
protect comparisons ("Look, the baby is quietly to see if you do the same") that undermine self-esteem and create a climate of competition among them. Avoid ☻
injustices that come from others (family or friends), not allowing it to get a hierarchy among siblings (the highest total over the little gifts because not aware, or conversely, the smaller this because it is the little one ..). Fleeing ☻
labels and polarization between them (good-bad, lazy, studious, sociable, shy, etc. ..)
☻ Try to be fair and unbiased in our decisions on them and not feel unfairly treated relative to each other. ☻
Open channels of communication: listening and tolerating as we show their feelings about their siblings. Teach them to express themselves and be respected by the other without violence.
☻ Make them feel proud of their place in the family: Older children may have different skills that children can possibly do things that children do not (may have more responsibility). Kids can enjoy certain privileges to be smaller, more .. The important thing is to adjust the rights and family obligations to the age and character of our children. ☻
Favors
spaces and interests, personal preferences, the difference. Being brothers does not mean having to do everything together, we all need our own fields and interests. ☻
Spending time exclusively with each of them. Violeta
Alcocer for Parenting Today (copyright) Illustration:
Carolina Bensler
